Rafael Palmeiro, baseball's highest-profile player to be suspended for using steroids

BALTIMORE (AP) -- In what is seen as a major blow to Major League Baseball, Orioles super star Rafael Palmeiro has been suspended on alleged drug charges. The alleged drugs in question, according to officials, include a diet of almost exclusively "Steriods and Fresca". Said the firstbaseman, "Why would I do this during a season where I was going to get to 3,000 hits? It just makes no sense." Leading baseball staticians deduce that a possible reason could be because "He was going to get 3,000 hits this season. Plus, he wants a little penis."


Palmeiro at the recent press conference

The news comes as a shock to approximately nobody seeing as to how every player in the history of baseball has used the performance enhancing drug, including the famed Babe Ruth who required his to be injected into a stick of pure creamery butter. Edward Baseball Jr, great grandson of the inventor of America's Past-time, Dr. Herbert Baseball, views the allegations as ridiculous. "Arresting a baseball player for using steroids is like arresting a hooker for using a condom," the wealthy heir to the Baseball empire stated.

Palmeiro has expressed grief and anger at the allegations. "The diamond is my home," he stated. "Baseball runs in my veins." Medical examiners disagree. "Barely even blood runs through there. It's pretty much just steroid."

Despite this gigantic blow, both professionally and financially, the potential Hall-of-Famer is expected to ride the season out as best he can, supporting his team mates, meeting with fans, and finishing remodeling on his airplane made of pure diamonds.