Redheaded Stepchild

Exclusive Interview with Chriss Angel of TV's "Mindfreak"

2005-08-26T15:35:00.000-07:00

[location unknown],NV-- So here we are on a balmy Friday afternoon, sipping cold water with lemon-ice, and doing what we typically do on Fridays: interviewing Y-list celebrities in our underwear. Only, today is different. No...it's still a Y-list celebrity, none other than Chriss Angel from television's Mindfreak. This difference is that today we are in our underwear because Chriss made our pants disappear. With his mind. So let's begin!

TS: So Chriss, let us just begin by saying, this lemon in your ice idea is fantastic.

Chriss: Yes. Nothing can satiate the parchment of souls like the liquid, the fluid, and the ice of lemon.

TS: ...

Chriss: Does it freak your mind?

TS: Ohhh! Gotcha. You know, pretty much. I could do will less pulp, but time release lemonaide does have a certain appeal to it. So yeah, anyway...

Chriss: But what if it were not lemons. I ask myself this every day. For what if it were a snake? What if it were a cobra, to be exact?

TS: well..I don't...

(Chriss pulls a serpent from out of his sofa, tossing at me)

TS: whoa, dude, serious...HOLY CRAP this thing is freaking nasty.

Chriss: Is it? Is it even a serpent? Or is it only a figment, of your mind?

TS: It's freaking real and if it doesn't stop crawling all over me and smelling like pissed-on sawdust, it's gonna be a figment of the bottom of my shoe.

Chriss: BEGONE SERPENT FIGMENT! BEGONE FROM OUR MINDS!

TS: Ok, that's good. Now just take him.

(Chriss scoops up the snake and puts it in it's cage)

TS: ok. So where were we. Oh, yeah. The interview. So most Y grade celebs-

Chriss: I prefer X.

TS: ...

TS: fine. Most X grade celebs don't have a secret...um...

Chriss: base.

TS: right. Base, where they conduct interviews.

Chriss: It's my MINDBASE.

TS: ...ok...but really it's just a dining room. In your house. You know this don't you?

Chriss: of course. I am the Mindfreak. I know all.

TS: Great. So basically, you're show is a hit...or whatever you call the highest rated show on a channel that counts it's viewers in the single digits.

Chriss: yes. It is according to prophecy. It is the great awakening. Minds across the county are preparing to be freaked.

TS: I'm gonna just throw this out there...but I'm thinking your definition of the word is slightly different...

Chriss: MINDFREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TS: YAH! Dude! Could you please not do that.

Chriss: My soul seeks pardon.

TS: Ok...so critics seems ok with your show. TV Guide calls you "The bastard stepchild of David Blaine and LiveJournal". That's pretty good...I guess.

Chriss: (paints an ahnk on his cheek with his black, paint covered thumb)

TS: Yeah. That a response of sorts.

Chriss: I can cut myself. For the light. For the MINDFREAK!!!!!!!!!!!

TS: well ok! That looks like about all for---

(I throw myself out the nearest window)

Chriss: MINDFREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rafael Palmeiro, baseball's highest-profile player to be suspended for using steroids

2005-08-02T07:54:00.000-07:00

BALTIMORE (AP) -- In what is seen as a major blow to Major League Baseball, Orioles super star Rafael Palmeiro has been suspended on alleged drug charges. The alleged drugs in question, according to officials, include a diet of almost exclusively "Steriods and Fresca". Said the firstbaseman, "Why would I do this during a season where I was going to get to 3,000 hits? It just makes no sense." Leading baseball staticians deduce that a possible reason could be because "He was going to get 3,000 hits this season. Plus, he wants a little penis."

Palmeiro at the recent press conference

The news comes as a shock to approximately nobody seeing as to how every player in the history of baseball has used the performance enhancing drug, including the famed Babe Ruth who required his to be injected into a stick of pure creamery butter. Edward Baseball Jr, great grandson of the inventor of America's Past-time, Dr. Herbert Baseball, views the allegations as ridiculous. "Arresting a baseball player for using steroids is like arresting a hooker for using a condom," the wealthy heir to the Baseball empire stated.

Palmeiro has expressed grief and anger at the allegations. "The diamond is my home," he stated. "Baseball runs in my veins." Medical examiners disagree. "Barely even blood runs through there. It's pretty much just steroid."

Despite this gigantic blow, both professionally and financially, the potential Hall-of-Famer is expected to ride the season out as best he can, supporting his team mates, meeting with fans, and finishing remodeling on his airplane made of pure diamonds.

Potter critics to burn themselves in protest

2005-07-18T13:31:00.000-07:00

"Harry potter is corrupting our youth," says Elizabeth Parkinson, leader of a group of Christians who view the release of the newest in the series for youth as "The devil inbreeding our children with Satanic notions and filling them like vomit containing water-balloons". To protest Harry Potter 6: The Half Blood Prince Parkinson and other group leaders have organized a world-wide "Burn-Off", where they will ritualistically immolate themselves while quoting scripture.

The group, "International Worldwide Organization of Religious Christians Against Harry Potter of America" or I.W.O.O.R.C.A.H.P.O.A. for short, is forrunner of many similar "Harry-Hate Groups" devoted to removing media of all kinds which "refuse to acknowledge the saving power of the Bible which was written by Jesus for the salvation of our souls," as stated by Parkinson.

The group has a long list of books considered a threat to "Christian youth everywhere", including Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler, the Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx, and Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi. But out of all these "threats", Parkinson admits "Harry Potter is by far the worst".

When asked about the group's decision to individually burn themselves until dead Parkinson stated, "Seeing as to how Miss Rowling is unwilling to atone for her sins, we must find ourselves willing to atone for her." When asked why the group doesn't just burn copies of the book instead, Parkinson grimly replied, "Copyright laws."

For more info, plus a free "Warrior for Jesus" water soluble tatoo for the first 10 visitors, visit:

http://harrypotterantichrist.bravehost.com

J.K. Rowling to make guest appearance in Harry Potter 7!!

2005-07-14T14:48:00.000-07:00

Fanboy's around the world can rest easy. A long held rumour that J.K. herself would make an appearance in the books has been confirmed. Said the author:

"Harry Potter is my baby. I've been working on developing this series for the better part of my life. And If I want to be the one to kill Voldemort in the final book, I will. Because, surprise, it's my own damn story!!"

In further news, the critics preview copy of Harry Potter 6 has leaked like a "magically impaled muggle bladder".

Warning: strong language, graphic violence, ultimate coolness
http://home.ripway.com/2005-7/352222/